Lost and not found

I hate feeling like this. It happens out of nowhere; these dark moments; these tearful moments; the food deprived moments.

Is there a place in heaven if I choose to arrive early? Will my pain be understood? I don’t even understand my pain. The emotional and psychological pain is disrupted by my intentional physical pain.

I just want to be alone. I just want to be somebodies best person. I just want to be successful. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be liked. I just want to be seen by GOD. I just want to be hugged by GOD.

Reality

Staring at the wall is one of the calmest things for me. It opens my mind to all of the thoughts I have suppressed throughout the day. I think, I contemplate, I cry, I pray.

I face reality…………..

My reality is different from everyone else’s because that’s how GOD intended it to be. So why is it that my reality gets slammed when it doesn’t align with the reality of others.

See I was born different, I knew it at an early age. Never been a people person, a popular girl, a beauty queen; just a plain Jane. You think it changed throughout my teen years into early adulthood; hell no. My differences have made me and molded me to be the different individual that I am. Accepting my differences has been a struggle. I have allowed others perceptions of what I need to be, coordinate many actions in my life. I have robbed myself of the joy that life can bring on account of trying to fit in, please others, and submit to the none submissive. I allowed my reality, to be buried beneath the “you need to do this” and “the you should look like this”, and let’s not forget the “stop being so emotional”. Reality, reality, reality…….

Reality bites, but reality is truth. Reality will teach you some shit. Reality will hurt your fucking feelings so bad you will think GOD hates your tangled little guts. Reality will show you how to love and be loved. It will show you the meaning of trust and deception, the real from the fake.

It doesn’t take long to get slapped in the face with reality. Your perception had your mind so screwed up that that back hand of reality hit even harder than it needed to. Just see it for what it is, not what you want it to be, simply what it is. Dont allow your life to possess more turmoil than it needed simply because you refused to see what reality was trying to show you. Understand the plan for you will be shown wether you want to see it or not. Face reality sooner than later and realize your existence has a purpose.

African American Mental Illness

It’s no secret that mental illness is prominent within the American population, but do you know just how prominent it is within the African American Community? According to research done by the Center for Discovery, “African American adults are 20% more likely to experience mental health issues than the rest of the population.”  If this is the case, tell me why don’t we hear about it as much as we should. Why aren’t folks educated enough to know it’s not just a term of endearment for crazy people? Why are African Americans so afraid to feel like they may suffer from depression or anxiety? Has society really fucked up our minds so much that we can not seek help for fear of the stigma that “black folks” don’t have mental issues, when indeed we do. Face it, life is hard, life has thrown many of us the sour damaged lemons in life that just can’t make the best lemonade. Because of that we worry a lot, we spend more time than we want thinking about what to do, how to do it, will he or she do it, what did I Do? We deprive ourselves of the food that will cling to the walls of our stomachs to provide us with that boost of nourishment to get us thru the day. We forget that there is a whole world out there aside from our room. There is actually a daylight to our darkest hour. But we may never know it because that little condition called depression has taken over like Satan invading our souls robbing us of the joy that God can provide. Not by choice tho, sorry there is no switch to turn off, and believe there ain’t a human in this world that wants to feel this way.  Now what about those that get so nervous about playing a part in an argument. Your heart starts racing, your hands are sweaty, mouth dry; you are just anxious as hell. Now get this, that argument never takes place. Yep you read it correctly, the argument never happens . You my friend have just had a anxiety/panic attack. Its the truth, and its more common than you think. No its not for attention like the uneducated, heartless, assholes of our great society want to make you feel. Its you, its me, its us. As a product of the black community, i can say this in truth; a lot of the African Americans treat this with such phrases as: “O, you are just crazy”, “No we don’t have to worry about that”, “Its life so deal with it”, or simply “I’m sorry to hear that, it will get better. So what else is new”. Like really! So its as simple as that huh! So what happens when its too late, It’s simply to late to show that compassion then. Let’s be honest for a moment. Mental illness does not care who it harbors its seed in regardless of your nationality or race. We need more resources, education, and understanding of this subject in order to overcome it. Don’t hate me, I’m just the deliverer of this truth.

If you or someone you know is battling mental illness go to http://www.NAMI.org .This website provides you with several numbers to contact depending on the specific type of mental illness.

Lastly, take a moment and say a prayer for those suffering in silence. Pray that they finally find their voice to speak out and overcome this part of their lives. Continue to be great, and smile today!