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Lost and not found

I hate feeling like this. It happens out of nowhere; these dark moments; these tearful moments; the food deprived moments.

Is there a place in heaven if I choose to arrive early? Will my pain be understood? I don’t even understand my pain. The emotional and psychological pain is disrupted by my intentional physical pain.

I just want to be alone. I just want to be somebodies best person. I just want to be successful. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be liked. I just want to be seen by GOD. I just want to be hugged by GOD.

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Calling out

Lord if you hear me, help me to hear. Lord if you see me, help me see clear. Lord if you can touch me, help me to feel. I’ve gotten numb, starting not to feel a thing. This heart you gave me I fucked it up. Like I can’t love anything. These eyes you gave me, they couldn’t see shit was bad for me. These ears you gave me, I couldn’t hear the bells of my heart trying to make my mind wake up. Lord if you’re there, I’m here, but this feeling makes me want to be there with you. These shattered senses have me senseless.

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What if I was her?

I am a nurse, I am also a paramedic which is an EMT. I am black. I am a single mother. I am 36 years old. I own my own home, my own vehicles, and I have ambitions and goals in life. I don’t have a boyfriend, but if I did and we were at home and someone fails to knock more than once or knock at all and proceeded to break down my door and yield fire arms and my significant other pulled his; I don’t think my family would be faulting me. If I lost my life or one of my children lost their life in the process I don’t think that he would be wrong for trying to defend us.

What would happen then? Would those of you who are finding the negative in the Breonna Taylor case then proceed to dig up my negative past? Would you proceed to try and find negative stories on my children? Would you say that I was not an EMT when currently I possess whatever licenses I need to maintain that? Would you try and say that I was not a registered nurse when I currently possess whatever licenses are needed to maintain that also?Would you accuse me of being involved in drug activity when indeed that is not the case? Would you accuse me of being a Queenpen when indeed I’m just a regular Degular smegular girl that’s trying to live day today in this racist ass world that we live in.

Some of y’all need to really stop looking at things that are not justified and trying to find justification in it just to support your race. I don’t think black people are supporting the Breonna case just because she’s black, but it’s because she’s black and justice is not being served in the killing of an unarmed black woman. Now if I were white and all of this took place and those officers were black or white for instance, I guarantee you they would’ve been behind bars the moment the News headlines stated “Unarmed Caucasian Woman Murdered In Her Home, Officers Failed To Knock”. So again “wrong is wrong”, “right is right”, but some of you will never see past the “white is right” mentality.

I am far from racist, hell I grew up an army brat and some of my best friends were of other races. It is very sickening to see that this world that we live in right now people are still being taught from birth to hate others because of the color of their skin. It’s time for a change. America can never be “great” again until we loose the “hate” within!

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A Note to my Son

Today I salute you. You hold a space in my heart that none other can begin to replace. I admit I had no experience being a boy mom when I met you. I was an expert in raising girls, but boy you challenged me. I excelled tho. I realized over time, that you were simple; like me. You were not picky, you didn’t need the expensive things, you didn’t care about the coolest hair do. You are laid back and we have our own vibe. Smart as ever, yet intelligent in your own light. You have touched soo many in your 10 year life span. You just don’t understand how 1/3 of my heart beats for you.

I’m not the best video gamer, I probably take it away from you more than I play with you. I’m learning your interests over time. I’m probably not the best “tag your it” person either, but I’ll run till I pass out just to tag you. I’m trying to be the best to one of the best and I pray you understand that.

I’ve had my shortcomings and despair, but you never judged me. You see when I’m sad and you know when I’m mad. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t get it right in a relationship to provide you with that father figure you need. You remind me soo much of your father its scary sometimes when I’m next to you. He had soo many plans for you and dreams for your future. You made such and impact in his short life, He is definitely watching over you. You deserve the world lil man. I promise to continue being all I can be. I promise to never allow anyone who cant continue your fathers values for you to even think of making a place in our lives. I promise to be the mom you look up to even when you are on punishment from the gamers world. I promise to give the the riches of wisdom, truth, faith, and everything else that money cant buy because that’s wealth.

You will always have my love, divided by 3. You know your sisters will get you if you dont share me! Jahkiem my King, today is your day. Learn from yesterday, achieve excellence today, and set goals for tomorrow. One last thing always remember mommy is always with you no matter what.

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For the single Moms

Being a career woman, trying to provide for my children; while being a single woman is always a cakewalk! Im being sarcastic, its a story in itself. Before the punches of judgement start flying, nevermind the reasons that placed me in this predicament; just know im here and im doing my best to own it.

It is truly an adventure tho. The day to day tasks become mundane, yet unpredictable. The job is demanding, the children are just as demanding, and my sanity is the most demanding of them all. A lady can go insane dealing with all of this believe me. Reports for work, discipline for children, soul searching for self; lay down, close my eyes, and start all over again.

We can get all the advice and encouragement that any inspiring soul can give, but the gritty truth is every woman’s journey is different and we just have to get thru it. You can have the biggest support system in the world or the smallest, but at the end of the day; it will be you and your responsibilities that remain.

Its been plenty of times I have wanted to give up. Quit my job, but hell I have to have the money. Send the childeren to grandparents, but hell they feed my soul and keep me alive. Run away, but hell that’s a coward move. I appreciate the encouragement from many, but do you really know how we single moms feel? Sometimes I’d give a lot just to have an able body around just to assist and hell fix a door or a cabinet or something. You know what tho, I snap out of that real quick because I remember that this empire im leading does not have room for just any ol Jim, Tim, or Frank. I’d give a lot just to escape to an oceans paradise of clear waters and white sands. I snap back and feel like I wouldn’t even enjoy it because my kids would be on my mind heavy. Can I get a cook, a maid, a mechanic? Nope, they wont cook like I do, clean like I approve, and fix when I need it. Im used to this life,but im not settling for this life.

Balance; how do we achieve that? I don’t have a solid answer for that. I know it starts with prayer. Pray to whatever higher power you worship. Pray for strength, willpower, and patience. Be honest with yourself. Don’t feed yourself a bunch of false hopes. Expectations vs. Reality is a big one for me. Don’t allow the emotions to dictate decisions. I know its hard and you want someone to be compassionate, caring, loving; but are you truly ready? Take it one day at a time. We as parents juggle a lot. We naturally multitask and tend to forget that each day is a new day and we must deal with it accordingly. Time to oneself is something that is damn near impossible, but it must be found. Wither its late at night, early in the morning, or in the bathroom before you shower; take that time to brainstorm and evaluate the day. Put your values in order. We already don’t have time, so don’t place things of little value to your life so high up on your radar. Express yourself, talk to a friend, a counselor, a confidant, or whoever you trust to tell your true feelings to. Its not healthy to hold it all in, so don’t allow anyone to make you think it is. Find time for fun with the little ones, they deserve it. Now breathe………………

Its hard but GOD gave his toughest tasks to the most promising people. I just want to encourage other women in my shoes. Understand, balance doesn’t happen over night. It takes time, but it takes power too. Continue to wear your crown and own your situation until your king comes along, adjusts that crown for you, and compliments your struggle.

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Three

The stale air of the evening of October 12th will remain as an unwanted sentiment to a great number of people. What was supposed to be a happy party turned into a nightmare for a grieving family.

She just wanted to play outside with her friends, not be lured away with candy by a sick soul that didnt have the love of GOD in his heart. Unfortunately, now this 3 year old is lost, only to be found again 10 days later in the most unthinkable of places.

Kamille “cupcake” McKinney, im sorry babygirl. So many dropped the ball and because of that you had an all to early transition to heaven.

I do this all the time, go in the store, grab a few snacks, then go back home. So why did this October 23 evening have to be any different than any other evenings. Will someone please tell me why this time had to be so different? Why did I have to be forced into my own car, why did you turn my smile to a frown, why did you put so much fear in my heart and all I had was joy. Now I’m gone, and no one will find me for a whole month. What I used to be, is now simply shattered bones that lay unscathed in the woods for those who care about me to have to put the pieces of this puzzle together and match my DNA to confirm that it’s me. Aniah Blanchard, You only had 19 years here, and again I’m sorry. Yet again so many people dropped the ball and because of that you had an early transition to Heaven.

Such a short ride for a fearless respectable leader. Short hellos behind the glass doors of the crowded convenience store. 10 steps away from my routine justice of peace actions. All was well so I thought then suddenly a pop and blackness appears. What did I do? Nothing that I normally don’t do. I performed my civic duty, followed all the rules, But it just happened. Now I’m standing over looking at this chaotic mess. Why? I ask, was it that hard for you to hear the superiority of a strong, black, law abiding, justice serving man give you an order that you refuse to obey. I guess it was. Now for that reason so many will forever be hurt. “Big John” Williams the ball was dropped and for that reason you have now transitioned to your resting place in heaven.

Three long months, three lost souls, Three generations, one state of shock. My dear Alabama we have suffered so much in the last few months. Though you may not have known these souls personally, you grew to know these souls spiritually. There is not enough love being spread to overshadow the amount of hate that’s being given out on a daily. When will it stop?; probably never. When will we become the role models for the future adults to see?; probably won’t. When will it change?; when we walk through the paradise of heaven. When will the hope for these things settle in our minds and our hearts?, now.

It starts with us. Although their journeys have ended, their families journeys have just begun. Uplift each of these families in prayer, the road ahead will be a trying time, moments of doubt, moments of anger, moments of hatred, moments of sadness. Pray for justice to be served, pray for change, pray for each other. Pray!

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Reality

Staring at the wall is one of the calmest things for me. It opens my mind to all of the thoughts I have suppressed throughout the day. I think, I contemplate, I cry, I pray.

I face reality…………..

My reality is different from everyone else’s because that’s how GOD intended it to be. So why is it that my reality gets slammed when it doesn’t align with the reality of others.

See I was born different, I knew it at an early age. Never been a people person, a popular girl, a beauty queen; just a plain Jane. You think it changed throughout my teen years into early adulthood; hell no. My differences have made me and molded me to be the different individual that I am. Accepting my differences has been a struggle. I have allowed others perceptions of what I need to be, coordinate many actions in my life. I have robbed myself of the joy that life can bring on account of trying to fit in, please others, and submit to the none submissive. I allowed my reality, to be buried beneath the “you need to do this” and “the you should look like this”, and let’s not forget the “stop being so emotional”. Reality, reality, reality…….

Reality bites, but reality is truth. Reality will teach you some shit. Reality will hurt your fucking feelings so bad you will think GOD hates your tangled little guts. Reality will show you how to love and be loved. It will show you the meaning of trust and deception, the real from the fake.

It doesn’t take long to get slapped in the face with reality. Your perception had your mind so screwed up that that back hand of reality hit even harder than it needed to. Just see it for what it is, not what you want it to be, simply what it is. Dont allow your life to possess more turmoil than it needed simply because you refused to see what reality was trying to show you. Understand the plan for you will be shown wether you want to see it or not. Face reality sooner than later and realize your existence has a purpose.

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Prayer from a damaged soul

For so long I’ve wondered why, never stopping to think that all it took was a little detail. I, like many others have allowed the actions of others to dictate my happiness, sadness, excitement, joy, anger, and resentment. Now it is time for me to take a different approach and realize that life is what I make of it.

Selfishly I always felt like there’s no way that God will answer a prayer that involves specifics, selfishness, and details. I have somehow gotten lost in the façade that I can do it on my own as opposed to maintaining my faith and following the instruction of my favorite scripture; Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not onto thine own understanding. In all the ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path.

So for all of the women and men who have found themselves just a bit too damaged, I invite you to borrow this prayer and embark on a changed journey.

Dear father I come to you in order to bare my soul in hopes of a clear and guided pathway. I have fell short of the glory that you have promised me. I have found myself drowning in the need for approval by others, whether it be their actions, their desires, or simply just there being. My happiness has been placed aside for far too long. I pray that you open my eyes and help me to see clear those things in which you have placed on this earth for me and blur those things which are not for me. I pray that you continue to guide my soul so that I may be full of the nutrients of your spirit in order to Praise your name, raise my children, and heal my soul. Takeaway that anxiousness and that feeling of loneliness that I have allowed to over shadow my happiness, for I now understand that you have already healed a mate who is waiting for an equally healed soul to join him. Patience is my flaw and I pray You teach me the importance of a little less complaining and a lot more silence.

When those negative thoughts cloud my head place positivity on my mind and enable me to focus on success. I understand that I am not perfect and I do not expect perfection but my expectations exceed mediocre attempts.There is so much more that I could bear, but you already know. This is only the beginning of a prayer from a damaged soul that request your healing. In all of your name, praises to the, Amen.

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A Little Something About Trust

What does trust mean to you? It’s something that takes forever to gain and only seconds to loose. It’s the bread and butter to all succesful relationships whether it be with the woman you love, the man you love, the GOD you worship, or the self you believe in.

Relationships are particularly sensitive when it comes to trust. Half of us can barely trust ourselves let alone trust another human being. Fact is it is hard to even figure out how to begin to open up and allow anyone to take hold of your trust. We meet people, we date, we spend time together, we grow, and then we trust. So how is it that it takes all of that to get, but all it takes is 1.2 seconds of a bad decision to loose. Sometimes we take each other for granted. We feel like we got each other so no matter what we will always have that person in our corner; nahhh wrong. They may be in your corner, but best believe they may be so far wedged in that corner due to hurt, pain, and resentment, that they may as well be gone. Im sure everyone has heard the reference about trust being like a crumbled piece of paper. Its perfect when its there, but when it gets crumbled it will never be perfect again. Its scary to think that this may really be true.

Trust affects everyone. You may have been the person being trusted or giving the trust, but either way everyone has been affected by trust. Its one of those things that can honestly never be figured out. We can only experiment with different remedies in hopes that it aides in regaining the trust that was gambled away, or that it coats that pain to make it easier to trust someone who lost your trust.

After thinking about this and reviewing all of my own issues with trust I have come up with this….. T-Total, R-Resolve, U-Understanding amongst a, S-Solid, T-Two

T-Total; yes it takes total (1+1=2) cooperation from both parties to even have a chance at it again. It doesnt matter if you lost it or gave it. Without one you cant have the other. R- Resolve; work together to first communicate the issue, then as a joint effort work to resolve the issue. If there is no resolve there can not be anymore trust because the problem will always be waiting to show its ugly face. U- Understanding; Not only do you have to resolve the issue and communicate, but you have to understand that right or wrong, both parties have something to be accountable for. You may feel like you did nothing wrong and it was totally that persons ignorance that made you take your trust away. That may be true, but you still have to accept and be accountable for you. Understand its not a me thing, its a we thing. S- Solid; Strenth is superior to weakness in this. T-Two; its 1+1=2. Not you, them, and everyone else.

Maybe this works maybe it doesnt; it only my theory……trust me on that one!