Lost and not found

I hate feeling like this. It happens out of nowhere; these dark moments; these tearful moments; the food deprived moments.

Is there a place in heaven if I choose to arrive early? Will my pain be understood? I don’t even understand my pain. The emotional and psychological pain is disrupted by my intentional physical pain.

I just want to be alone. I just want to be somebodies best person. I just want to be successful. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be liked. I just want to be seen by GOD. I just want to be hugged by GOD.